Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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