I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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