The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
