i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
