in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
