Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
