You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
