God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize