Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
