I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
