Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
