Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
