New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
