I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
