Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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