did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
