I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
