Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
