I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i came on her dog
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
