If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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