if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
