yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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