He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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