He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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