I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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