then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize