From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
