She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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