It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize
