roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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