Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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