Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
