I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
