so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
