The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I need a beard to bite.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
