Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
