I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
