They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She even gives head with a lisp.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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