i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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