Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
