Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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