I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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