I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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