Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
