Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
