She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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