This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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