So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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