watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
