the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
