You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We had sex on a dog bed..
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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