The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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