no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just found a bag of teeth...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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