Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
