i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
