Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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