Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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